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Photo: Instagram If you haven't heard of Tinder, then congratulations: You are probably in a loving, monogamous relationship. And the best part about Tinder is you can people-watch without even putting a bra on. For every guy with a nice smile holding a shelter puppy is a dude in a fedora popping bottles at the local T. Related: The "Only Here For Sex" Dude will make things pretttttty clear in his bio, usually by telling you what he's only there for.

(SWIPE LEFT) But those of you single and ready to swingle are probably well-versed in the dating app taking the world by storm. But, because of its ease of use and likelihood of being able to "get it in" on a bi-monthly basis, Tinder attracts all kinds. The more confident of this species may even list size if he is so inclined.

I've crunched the numbers (numbers = smoked almonds), and come up with this informative Tinder guide for you ladies wading into the digital dating poo.

But after using the app for so long, I've also noticed certain patterns in the way men present themselves via their Tinder profiles.

There is an “Intruder stopper” option plays fake video upon opening.The concept is simple: Sign in using your Facebook account, pick your best photos (most of mine originated from the Hubble Space Telescope for prime thinness), and begin swiping people you want to date to the right, and people who must really REALLY have some serious issues happening if your desperate ass doesn't want to date them, to the left. (Only here in LA, for example, most people are swiping for dates when they SHOULD be rehearsing lines for their upcoming CSI: Miami audition as Cadaver 1.)Sounds simple enough, right? For this guy, there is no physical detail or fetish too personal to lay on the line on Tinder. Look, if he took *IT* *OUT* I suggest swiping left for sanitary purposes alone.Once you and your future co-star in The Notebook 2 mutually like each other, good news! But if he seems non-murdery and, you know, maybe foreign, crack open a Stella and get your groove back.Internet horror stories passed around on forums and other sites to disturb and frighten readers.Includes stories from Slender Man, a fictional character that inspired two 12-year-old Wisconsin girls to stab and nearly kill a friend.Advertised as “Funny Anonymous School News For Confessions & Compliments” in the Apple Store, this anonymous app by Ambient is much like Yik Yak and Whisper. Learn more about After School in this Safe Smart Social video.is a social network where members interact by inviting others to ask anonymous questions.If you are on a personal connection, like at home, you can run an anti-virus scan on your device to make sure it is not infected with malware.This way, there can be no confusion like the kind that can happen with people that use online dating websites.From the first time at the company, no one could pronounce her full name not faltered.With cam to cam, you know exactly who you are talking to and that they are telling the truth about their age, appearance, etc.

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